Monday, February 8, 2016

5 Stories That Will Give You Hope This Valentine's Day

With Valentine's Day approaching, I have seen an increasing number of negative posts about being single. Well being single isn't all that bad. Being the awkward and embarrassing human being I am, I have composed a collection of my top 5 most embarrassing/awkward moments to either a) make you thankful to be single this Sunday or b) give you hope that there is somebody out there for you. Because Lord knows that if someone can find me to be the most beautiful creature on this planet, anyone can find someone.

1. "National Kissing Day"
I'm fairly certain that there are at least ten National Kissing Days per year but I will never forget the first time I experienced that day about three years ago. So this guy from my school started texting me (typical high school thing, I know) and long story short he asked me to go on a walk with him. Everything was fine and dandy because we were semi-friends and me being the silly girl I am thought "hey we might actually become really good friends." Well boy was I wrong. As we were walking he tried to hold my hand. "Hm I don't think I like this," I thought because I really was not into him at all. As we approached my house things took a sudden downturn spiral. Here is a brief overview of our conversation:
              "So, do you know what today is?" he said with a really strange and creepy half smile.
              "Uh (insert random day of the week)," I said with a really awkward laugh knowing perfectly what day it is but not wanting him to get the wrong idea.
              "No. Guess again," his smile getting wider and much creepier.
              "Uh (insert random day in July)," I said panicking, plotting how to get out of this uncomfortable situation.
               "No. Try again," he said.
So instead of doing what any normal person would do and tell him that I really was not into him in that way, I did the most awkward thing ever. I gave him a side hug. I gave him the hug that you give to strangers that you are desperately trying to be friendly around but always end up embarrassing yourself around. I said goodbye as fast as I could and scuttled myself back into my house never looking back. About thirty seconds later I received a text that said "It's National Kissing Day..."

2. Disaster Date
I always ask people about their most awkward dating experience. My current boyfriend had a major disaster date, but to be honest I think mine might top his. I had this friend who wanted me to go on a double date with her. She had been dating this guy for about six months and thought it would be neat to meet him and go on a blind date. That should have been a red flag seeing as most blind dates NEVER go well, but I thought "sure why not." So I planned on meeting a super cute guy and we'd be really compatible and things would go well like in the movies. Well obviously that plan was short lived. I went to the movies with my friend and her boyfriend showed up. He said his friend was running late. It wasn't a big deal because I was nervous anyway. Things just got worse. His friend shows up and he is not the Zac Efron I anticipated. But I thought that it was no big deal and that looks are not everything. After all, I'm no Angelina Jolie. His friend approaches me and gives me a side hug (I guess I'm just notorious for those). He didn't even introduce himself first. Still, I was optimistic. Then he tells me he forgot his wallet, so naturally me being the generous person I am paid for his ticket. We get into the movie theater and the first thing he tries to do is put his arm around me. "Woah there, mister. I just met you." I think. Then he leans in for a kiss on the cheek. I panicked and reached down for my purse. "I'm going to get some snacks," I announced already getting up and trying to make my mistake. "I'll come with," he said. After the longest movie of my life and trying to avoid his hand holding, kisses, and cuddles we all decided to go out to eat. During this meal he called me his valentine and told me he loved me. That is how I ended up eating a huge basket of chicken tenders and a large popcorn in the span of three hours to avoid making conversation. How do you even respond to a stranger saying they are in love with you? It was quite the eventful Valentine's Day.

3. Flirting Tips
For some strange reason my friends always flock to me for relationship advice. I'm not sure why they even think this a good idea seeing as I'm really bad at dating. I'm really weird and loud and sometimes I forget most people aren't into that. This story will give people hope in life. The first time I ever met my current boyfriend was at my graduation party. I was single for the first time in forever and I thought "hey, this boy is really cute. I should talk to him." Now don't even ask me how I got that confident because typically I just assume most boys are questioning why a manatee like myself can even exist out of water. However, this time I thought I would go for it. So I go up to him and introduce myself. Nothing crazy just a typical "hey, I'm Emily and that's Erin." Well we got to talking and I guess in my head the things I were saying were normal but now I look back on it and think how weird I was. Instead of trying to hold a normal conversation I asked the most bizarre questions. He can vouch for me on this. The first question I ever asked him was "have you ever read To Kill a Mockingbird?" Keep in mind reading was not even mentioned in our conversation prior. Can I ask even weirder questions? You bet. "Do you like bananas? I don't." I actually said that. Now for some strange reason that actually worked on him because now he thinks I'm majestic and beautiful and basically the queen of everything. However, I don't think that would work on any other occasion. The point is that if you just be yourself, someone will love you for you and that's all that really matters.

4. The Great Water Fiasco 
This story might be my most embarrassing moment to date. I still can't walk into Kroger without feeling somewhat anxious and embarrassed. My sister and I were having some friends over. We were going to play capture the flag. I decided to get some water bottles seeing as we would all be doing lots of running. So there I was in Kroger by myself trying to hurry because people were already arriving at my house. For some reason everyone was out at Kroger. I don't know if Kroger just had a special invite that they sent to everyone or if everyone just decided that it was national shopping day. I don't live in a really big town so this was uncommon. My goal was to just get in and out, but little did I know I would be causing a huge scene. Water bottles were scattered everywhere so I just grabbed the first case I could. If you know me, you know I am very clumsy and trip over everything on a daily basis. Well I couldn't see where my feet were going and tripped over a case that was beside me. Now most people have enough balance to catch themselves and just go on with life. I am not one of those people. I tripped over the case of water and dropped the case in my hand. Not only did I fall flat on my face but I knocked all the water on the shelf over and busted half of the water bottles in my case that was now on the floor. Next thing I know all the surrounding workers are rushing to my aid asking me if I'm okay 1000 times. I was fine just a single bruise on my elbow. I apologized for the busted water bottles, grabbed a new case, and waddled out as fast as I could. I never looked back.

5. Why I Have No Friends
Something I always tell myself is to not sign up for 8:00AMs. Yet, for some reason I always end up with and 8:00 AM class. Now typically in my 8:00 classes I find myself trying to stay awake especially since chemistry is my least favorite subject. This particular day I was very tired and chemistry just wasn't keeping me awake. I kept zoning out. Eventually my day dreaming turned into actual dreaming. That was until the guy next to me cracked his neck really loudly. My boyfriend does this all the time and I'll touch his really strong and attractive arm muscles to reassure him that that is not normal and probably not good for his health. I guess since I was half-asleep I forgot where I was because I did that to a total stranger. He just looked at me as I said "No, don't do that" in a calm tone while touching his bicep. He gave me the look of someone who was severely creeped out and replied "Um okay." Guess who never sat by me again? Although I'm pretty sure he forgot about that event because he now sits by me in another class. I also think he got used to my weirdness because he handed my a syllabus a few weeks ago and I responded "thanks, pal." We aren't pals. He doesn't even know me. This is probably why I don't have friends. But that's okay because the friends I do have put up with my weirdness and still want to be around me.

I hope these stories inspire you to be ultra confident and meet someone new. If I can be confident and weird, there is hope for everyone in this world.

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